This is what happens when I am up at 1:30 AM and our air conditioning is broken and I have work in a couple hours. Doesn’t help I just had a cup of coffee and am trying to get some work done before I actually get into work lol. AND YES that is a tie on my head.
Ready for the weekend already and its not even Monday. I hate weekends of heavy drinking because then I feel so unproductive the next day and it sucks. And I gain so much weight. So no more drinking or eating out until I hit my first goal weight. Thank goodness for supportive friends. I need to really focus this week. Eat right, work out, work hard at work, and get plenty of sleep. And even though work gets hectic I need to remind myself to enjoy the moment I am in.
But I already have next weekend planned. I think. lol
Friday I plan to go grocery shopping after work, clean my home and car, pay some bills, file all my papers, fix my schedule for the summer, read, drink tea, and maybe even paint my nails and finally get a full night’s rest!!!
Saturday I plan to get up early, work out without time restrictions, go swimming after my workout, make lunch for my mother and me, bake, study for my test, take a walk in the park with Matthew <3, and then possibly girls night!
Sunday I plan to work out, study, get ready for the week again, church, and write thank you cards to everyone that I need to, write my letters to people and mail, and hopefully catch up with some friends in my life.
Oh well. Going to bed now. Then up and to work. Get stuff done then playing soccer with the team! yay.
Yesterday was my 23rd birthday. So blessed to have spent it with great family and friends. So about 23 years ago God not only brought me into this world but before that he thoughtfully and wonderfully made me. He planned out my life and knew who I was. He loved me and prayed for me. I opened the bible today for the first time in about maybe 2 or 3 weeks. And this is what I read.
Isaiah 44
2 This is what the LORD says—
he who made you, who formed you in the womb,
and who will help you:
Do not be afraid, Jacob, my servant,
Jeshurun,[a] whom I have chosen.
3 For I will pour water on the thirsty land,
and streams on the dry ground;
I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring,
and my blessing on your descendants.
4 They will spring up like grass in a meadow,
like poplar trees by flowing streams.
5 Some will say, ‘I belong to the LORD’;
others will call themselves by the name of Jacob;
still others will write on their hand, ‘The LORD’s,’
and will take the name Israel.
This just shows me that God was thinking about me and planning for me and wanting me to come to him. And this just shows me that he will renew me with his spirit. I see a vision of beautiful growth when I am close with God and filled with his spirit. How perfect that I am sitting at the table on a rainy day looking outside at the flowers growing lol.
I have been feeling so angry with the Lord lately. So upset. I feel so used and so hurt. I am working through some things that I don’t want to work on. And it sucks. I have severe commitment and lust issues with my Matthew that stem from my parents relationship, my past abusive relationships, being raped, my anger, and not understanding what God wants fully from me. Because of this I have used this as an excuse to do some really awful things, that not only are disobedient in faith, but hurtful to loved ones and myself.
Thank goodness for my best friend who speaks so much life into me and I can only imagine how much life the Lord speaks into me if only I let him when I put down these walls, when I let go and find freedom in Him.
Oh what the Lord is doing in me. It hurts but it is soooo beautiful! He is slow to anger and so easy to love me. And I do not understand. I need to simply keep deepening my dependence on him, and obeying, and enjoying the beauty in the things he is giving me. And I need to simply work through these painful things to find the freedom the Lord wants for me. He wants me to ‘spring up like grass in a meadow and like poplar trees by flowing streams and belong to him’.
I am flirting with a very dangerous line. I hope I can stop myself before I cross it. Totally need to be relying on God and going to community right now.
My heart is so full of love and passion right now, my heart wants to explode. <3
